There are two types of people in the world: those with zombie plans and those who will be eaten and shoved down as fodder while I beat zombie heads in with a shovel.
I have zombie plans. Some of them have been outdated since my cousin no longer dates a helicopter pilot and I now live two hours away from my father who has a fully loaded arsenal and his house done up like a fortress. He has generators and canned food supplies and water purification systems. He lives near a river. He’s a boyscout leader. He taught me at age thirteen how to shoot a rifle and a handgun.
Rule number one: cardio. If I ever ever EVER needed a reason to go to the gym, this news article did it.
Allow me to quote why I believe this is NOT just crack or bath salts.
One witness, Larry Vega, told WSVN-Fox 7 he was riding his bicycle on the MacArthur when he saw a man tearing off pieces of the victim’s flesh with his mouth.
“I told him to get off,” Vega told the station, “and the guy just kept eating the other guy away.”
Vega said he found a police officer, who approached and told the attacker to get off the man.
“The guy just stood, his head up like that, with pieces of flesh in his mouth,” Vega said. “And he growled.”
The officer fired, striking the attacker, but the man kept chewing, Vega said. The officer fired again, hitting him several more times, eventually killing him.
The thing that most bothers me about this article is that people were slowing down to watch.
I would have been gone. SO GONE. The following conversation between myself and my friend who shared this with me ensued.
Clyde: I was for the first hour or so after I heard about it and then couldn’t sleep because OMG ZOMBIES’LL GET ME
makiros: People won’t be laughing when we survive, Clyde. They made fun of us for Zombie plans. FUCK THOSE GUYS. It’s a drug. Yeah, it’s a drug! It’s a frigging ZOMBIE DRUG and it’s gonna lead to Zombieland!
Clyde: Srsly. People keep saying, “Oh, it was just LSD. Oh, it was from smoking bath salts. Oh, it was just a complete mental rupture.”
makiros: You know what else bothered me?? That people were STOPING AND STARING. I wouldn’t have! I would have been FUCKING GONE.
Clyde: ^ this
makiros: I would have hit them with my car. I have been sitting here saying I wouldn’t, but if I knew the one guy was eating the other’s face, I would have run them over. And over. And OVER.
Clyde: ^this, if you could POSSIBLY get the car to them
makiros: Someone was telling me about that! She said her mom drove off the road and high-tailed it back home, loaded up her kids and was leaving the area. She was texting me about it as her mom was driving north.