In what Universe?

I’ve been trying to edit a piece of fiction from a few years ago for a submission call. I’ve made some pretty major changes to the story and rewritten about half of it. And then I come to this line:

His only response was grabbing her hips, jerking her against him, and jamming his dick inside of her. ” 

Because somehow, somewhere, on some distant planet, I thought that would be sexy to somebody. Or something. I don’t even know. Every time I read this line I facepalm so hard I’m no longer able to edit and I wander off to do something else. Then I come back to it and repeat. For three days.

Today I deleted the line. But it was too epic a fail for me to ignore. I am now sharing with all of you. I’d say you’re welcome, but I think that would be a breach of friendship in most countries and states.

::EDIT::

From further in that piece, I actually used the line: “He fucked her with the passion of a starving man given a fresh meal.”

OH COME ON NOW.

~*~*~

And this entire infodump has NOTHING to do with the story other than it shows Dimitri likes Winter. So I will give it to all of you.

Enova was Dimitri’s betrothed, the woman his father had chosen for him to marry, and the biggest of the demons Dimitri had to slay. He had only been married to her for a month before her death. He still held himself responsible. She had haunted him since he left home. He had been able to put Enova slightly out of his mind with the white-haired eleven year old girl he had met in California and rescued from the prison of her foster home. This respite was short lived, however, as soon as Dimitri realized his little girl had grown into a beautiful woman. He had noticed she blossomed into a woman when he had caught her dressing after a shower. He shouldn’t have been watching. He should have closed the door and went about his business, but he hadn’t. He stood and watched her until she reached for the doorknob and was gone before the door opened. He had felt guilty about it for several months. It had taken him that long to forget the look of her porcelain skin, droplets of water clinging to her flesh as she shivered. He watched as she rubbed the towel over her body, shivering involuntarily as she reached her breasts. He could very nearly feel the texture of the towel against his fingers as he imagined she was allowing him to rub her dry. Her nipples stood erect against the slight chill and the touch of the terrycloth. His mouth watered as he imagined rolling her pink nubs between his fingers, pinching them gently between his fingers as be barely flicked the points of her nipples with the tips of his tongue. He very nearly moaned out loud when she rubbed her pussy, longing to feel her wetness against his fingers, his mouth, and his tongue. He had finally vowed to keep his hands off of her. Unfortunately his resolve wasn’t as strong as he had hoped. He had allowed her to slip into bed with him one night even though it was against his better judgment.  

 

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About Carrie Fulk Vaughn

Carrie Fulk Vaughn (C.V. Madison) is a licensed massage therapist, author of LGBTQIA, Urban fantasy, horror & romance. Gamer geek full of Mountain Dew and schadenfreude pie. Twitter addict. Ball jointed doll collector.

Posted on July 23, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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