An open letter to “big mike”:

Years ago, I wrote erotic shorts years ago for Literotica. None of the stories up there are particularly good but, like amateur porn, there are some decent stories with a lot of passion and not a lot of talent. I sometimes get feedback from those stories or personal letters because they clicked a link to my profile.

A lot of these letters are generally talking about how hot the story is or how they enjoyed what I wrote. I’m perfectly fine with these letters, even when I’m objectified with the obligatory “you must be” + insert-thing-here. (ex. You must be a really kinky ferret in the sack.)

Then there are letters like the following.

This message contains feedback for:  darkgoddess
This feedback was sent by: [redacted]@yahoo.com

Comments:

hi darkgoddess– always wondered why all the very good looking women were gay –i know i can lick pussy just as good as most women–also love the taste of a nice leaking pussy–sorry for my rambling about it –send e-mail if you get time –lol big mike

In the words of George Takei, “Ohh myy.” Where to start?

First off, “big” Mike… I can tell you from experience if we were to be at the club at the same time, in the same place, one of three things would happen.

1. You wouldn’t talk to me. You wouldn’t say a single word. You would look at me, see me there and go the other way. You would stand on the other side of the club and watch me from a distance. You “weren’t sure it was me” or I “didn’t look like your picture” or any other lame excuse I’ve ever been offered. That’s only if we were chatting beforehand, mind you. If not, I’d never know you were even there.
2. You would get the balls to come near me. You’d lean up against me at the bar because it’s crowded and you’d look at me out of the corner of your eye. You wouldn’t make eye contact when I’d look back at you, however. Your buddy would hit on someone else and then tell you to “go for the redhead”. You’d look at me, your eyes would go wide as though you’d seen your grandmother naked in a snowstorm and move to your buddy’s other side.
3. You would actually say something! Go you! I’d be honestly impressed you’d managed to come up to me. I know better than to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you’d offer me a drink first. Instead you’d whip out something like, “I bet you have a beautiful pussy and I’d love to suck you all night.”

Yes, that line was actually used on me by the only man drunk enough to talk to me. All of the above were instances from my life in dating situations. Most people fall into categories one and two.

Let’s now talk a little bit about why all the “beautiful women are all gay” thing. Lesbian women are not any more beautiful than every other woman on the planet, regardless of their sexuality. All women are beautiful. The reason lesbian women seem so much more beautiful (and I’m talking about the more lipstick variety because you obviously wouldn’t find a butch woman sexy) is because they’re unattainable. You can’t have them, so of course they’re more beautiful. That decent used car on the corner car lot looks absolutely gorgeous to me right now. Once I had cash in hand to settle on one, my opinion might change.

Speaking of changing opinions, I know a lot of men who can suck dick just as good as most women. There are plenty of damned handsome, sexy gay men who will suck your dick like Nina Hartley with a Hoover. I bet they love the taste of a fat weeping cock. You still game, Mikey?

Didn’t think so.

You’re not sorry for rambling about it. You’re hoping it will entice me to write you. You’re hoping it will sway me into considering sex with you because, deep down, all lesbians really want cock. It can’t possibly mean we’re attracted to the same things you are: a beautiful woman with a sexy body who touches you in all the right ways. You, like a lot of men, seem to be of the opinion that lesbians just need a “big strong daddy to pull your hair and fuck you gently”. Yes, that’s an actual line someone used on me. Like that’s going to change me. Lesbians just “haven’t gotten it good” before. I suppose you’re just the man to give it to me good and magically change me to a straight woman.

Let me tell you what would happen. If I were straight, it would be just like all the other straight women in the world. You would see her, pick apart every goddamned thing about her and say it in such a way she would hate herself.

• I would be too fat for you. I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model, honey. Not many women are. But that’s the idealistic version of a woman men seem to want.
• I don’t often wear makeup. I don’t wear it every day. It’s how I can be ready to leave my house in half an hour, tops.
• I don’t do more than wash and comb my hair, either. I don’t spent hours getting highlights and lowlights. I don’t blow dry, straighten and curl. I have better things to do with my time.
• I wear comfortable clothes. I wear what I want to wear. If I like it, I wear it. You would probably say it gives me “muffin tops” and it’s “too tight” for my body type.
• You wouldn’t take me smiling and then walking away when you complimented me. It would be a sign of disinterest. I would immediately become “frigid” and a “bitch”.
• I know men think it’s sexy when a woman walks up to them and tells them all the dirty things they want to do to them. Women get scared. If we look up and engage you in conversation, we’re “leading you on”. If we turn our heads and ignore you, we’re a frigid bitch. We usually walk very quickly away. Why? Because we’re trying to get away before you think you have the right to lay hands on us or, worse, rape us because you feel justified to teach us some kind of lesson.

The reason I’m a lesbian is because I am attracted to women. The reason any woman is a lesbian is because they are sexually attracted to women. It’s not negotiable. We don’t just decide to become lesbians because we hate men. If that was the case, there would be a LOT more of us. Straight men hitting on lesbian women is just as thoughtless as a straight woman hitting on a gay man. You’re not getting anywhere. You won’t get anywhere. Move on. You aren’t going to change me.

Thank you for thinking I am a beautiful woman. I will take the compliment at face value. I appreciate someone thinking I am sexy. Because you were at least not a complete creep, let me give you some advice. Before you send another letter like this to someone, stop and think. If a gay man were to send a letter like this to you, what would your reaction be? Think about it. Really think hard, now. Do you still want to send that letter?

You’re welcome.